From The Darkness Into The Light


My Journey

From The Darkness Into The Light

Maybe you’ve had one of those years like I had in 2015. Life hit me so hard, I felt like the wind was knocked out of my sails. Fortunately, I am coming into the light now, feeling held in the web of life, supported by Angels and Guides, who encouraged me to tell my story. I hope it gives you insight into how my work might inspire, uplift, and support you on your journey into the Light.

The Journey Begins

The dominos began to fall in November of 2014 when after 19 years of living with Alzheimer's, my Mom was put on Hospice. I had adjusted to Mom being ill. I was still working on the concept of Mom being gone. I struggled through the holidays while my best friend, Susie, dangled in uncertainty as she endured a battery of diagnostics for a persistent cough and unexplained weight loss.

2015 The Descent Into Grief

January 2015 hit hard when Susie was diagnosed with lung cancer. A healthy, vibrant woman my age, who lived with an inspirational love of life, was fading fast. While I supported her, I struggled to believe the unbelievable. My best friend was dying.

Before that sunk in, my dear friend, Inez, who had just gotten a clean bill of health at her annual physical, had a massive stroke early one March morning, and never woke up. My grief multiplied as I realized that yet another loved one was gone without warning. Inez was the friend I spent holidays with, so you can already see that the stress of loss was enormous, and it lasted all year long.

Still grieving my loss of Inez, I was working hard doing Professional Organizing, downsizing and moving a client in a distant community. I spent my free time supporting Susie, who was slipping away fast. Susie died peacefully in May.

The Biggest Blow

I can’t remember how I made it through that Summer. What I do remember is that in September, Mom took a turn for the worst. Within a week, on Summer Solstice, I travelled to Southern CA to help her die.

The rest of 2015 is a blur of days of making it from moment to moment, feeling like a balloon without air. Still I worked, and spent time each day napping and sitting in my cozy chair, resting and feeling my grief. I learned long ago that the only way out of intense emotion is through it. So I let the sadness move through me.

The emotion of grief is related to the respiratory system in Chinese Medicine, so it was no surprise when I got terrible upper respiratory congestion and an infection triggered by the toxic outgassing of one of my client’s new carpet. Did I mention that in the Winter I also started extensive removal and replacement of leaking dental fillings and crowns? I survived it all. Somehow I made it through the holidays I didn’t celebrate, and the New Year began.

Keep Calm and Carry On

Fortunately I am good in a crisis and I have wise, supportive colleagues, an amazing dance partner/best friend, and a Naturopath/RN/Chinese Medical Doctor who is a healer extraordinaire. It was my 18th year of professionally practicing Energy Healing and Holistic Healing Arts, and living them in my daily life. I gratefully received understanding and support, and proactively added more Self-Care strategies to my daily routine. 

I am gifted with the ability to help others when I am not at my best, and to feel grateful for the opportunity to be of service. I am blessed with compassionate clients who are very kind and have big enough projects to divert my attention from my grief. I carried on and did what needed to be done. Still the grief and sense of uncertainty were there as I subconsciously braced myself for the next unexpected blow.

2016 Enough is Enough NOT

Ever an optimist, I am great at making lemonade out of lemons, though there was too much loss, happening too fast, for me to transform it on the spot. Deaths were happening all around me, a dancing friend, a colleague’s Dad. It took much healing and the seasoning of time before I would reap the gifts of this journey.

Spontaneous Transformation Technique

I can’t remember why or how, though I know that when the student is ready, the teacher will come. I seized an opportunity to become a Certified Spontaneous Transformation Technique Practitioner. The course work included experiential exercises that were guided meditations to find and release what is buried deep within. In a true example of “Healer, heal thyself,” Spontaneous Transformation Technique was helping me release some of my grief and begin to heal. I did a Practicum, passed my exam, and began helping my clients release physical pain and emotional trauma.

Even More Big Losses

I was starting to feel a little lighter, when I was blindsided yet again. Joe, a client of 12 years, whose home-office I managed, (as the reliable base of my income) had a heart attack and died in the shower one night. I went to work the next day to find a coroner’s Do Not Enter notice on the door. Another loss of friendship and support was so unexpected and so difficult to comprehend.

I tell my clients that all we really need in this moment is one breath of air. So I lived moment-to-moment, feeling blessed by my work helping others, and taking every opportunity to process and heal my grief that was stirred repeatedly.

Fortunately I was strong enough in September to answer the call to go to Kaiser to give daily Energy healing sessions to a client with cancer. Four weeks into that physically demanding and emotionally draining assignment, I took another emotional hit when my mom’s best friend, Donna, who was like another mother to me, passed unexpectedly.

“I Get Up, I Walk, I Fall Down. Meanwhile I Keep Dancing.”

While I grieved the loss of Donna, two more friends in my social dancing community died suddenly and unexpectedly. I wished I could feel numb. Instead, I felt loss, lots and lots of loss, and so much uncertainty. I spent more time alone doing Self-Care and I continued to dance, which brings me great joy. I learned that grief is learning how to live without loved ones in our life. I certainly needed the joy of dancing if I was to learn how to live without so many loved ones in my life.

Learning to Be The Light

You might remember that 2016 was a divisive election year. The negative vibes across the nation were palpable to me. Hit with unexpected election results, my clients and colleagues were filled with upset, anger, and fear. Instinctively I felt crystal clear that I needed to muster the strength to be the Light for them as they grappled with the darkness. Again and again, I was the strong one, beaming the Light.

Again I increased my daily Self-Care strategies and my solitude to keep myself strong. Over time, I noticed that the more I upped my Self-Care and solitude, the more I heard a call to teach others how to Be The Light in times of darkness.

Before I had time to develop the curriculum, a severe pain in my neck came out of nowhere on Thanksgiving. It was just easing up in December when I had a freak fall and deeply bruised the bone in my left hip. Life was slowing me down in what seemed like another year that felt endless.

2017 A Year of Grace and the Next Assignment

I welcomed the New Year determined to have a fresh start and a year of less loss. I had a plan for creating the Be The Light Curriculum, and was ready to go. Then when my computer died over the New Year’s Holiday, it was abundantly clear that this would be a year of taking what comes with as much grace as possible.

A good dance friend named Grace, weakened and died. I was inspired when she wrote in her obituary, “I don't want anyone to say Rest In Peace, as I am looking forward to my next assignment.” So I learned that life goes on. We embrace what comes our way and do the best we can with it.

My “next assignment” came when I learned about training to become an Angel Intuitive and Angel Card Reader. I became certified and embraced more deeply feeling the gift of a close connection with the Angels. I chose to be of service by being a bridge to the Angels and a beacon of love and light in the world. Now I ride the waves of life, calling on the Angels for support and comfort. How I responded to my life experiences greatly increased my Self-Care strategies and my capacity to offer my clients support and comfort in their Angel Card Readings. I look forward to being of service to you.

Toni Love